One week and counting....

Eeeeekk!!

I've been thinking so much about leaving, that I almost don't know how to say how I feel. Well, wait, I do. I am excited to go home again, but apprehensive about a lot. I am sad to leave Korea, but glad to get away from the parts of it that bother me. Simple as that.

Not so simple though. Ever since the end has come into sight, my life has been a blender of emotions. And right now I feel like the fact that it's time to go is JUST now finally sinking in, yet at the same time, I am totally ready to go. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.

I look around my apartment now, and realize I am going to miss it. I hated it in the beginning, but I've managed to turn it into a space that I love. It's my sanctuary in a noisy, smelly, strange place. And I always miss my personal spaces.

As for work, I am DONE there. Not literally, only in my own mind. DONE. I am really ready to be done with that job, and the last few weeks have been like marking time. But I still have 3 more days to go. And starting tomorrow, I will be saying goodbye to my students, some that will be sad goodbyes.

And then there are my friends, my coworkers. I know I will miss them, that goes without saying. It's funny; when I was making the decision to come here, I thought all about how hard it would be to say goodbye to people I love at home, but it never crossed my mind that during my year hear I would meet a whole new group of people that I would have to say goodbye to. I've met some damn amazing friends here, people that I have been emotionally preparing myself for months to say goodbye to. And unlike family and friends at home, there is no built-in guarantee that I will see these people again. There are some that I will make every effort to see, but when, and where, who knows. I don't know which ones I will be able to connect with later, and which ones I will never see again. To make it easier on myself, when I say goodbye, I will try to imagine that I will see everyone again, someday. Otherwise, it's just too hard.

The other thing I didn't really think about was how it will feel to go home again. I have been told by virtually everyone that the reverse culture shock is far worse. I haven't ever really experienced culture shock, in the true sense of the word, which is why traveling is so easy for me. But going HOME again, after a year....that's a different story.

I am trying not to let what others have told me shape my expectations too much, but it's hard. Let's see, if I believe everything I have heard from people who have gone back after a year: I'm expecting to be jolted and annoyed by the fact that I can suddenly understand EVERYTHING that is being said around me. I'm expecting to notice how big all the people are (which will be a relief for the self-esteem, truthfully.) I'm expecting to have a hard time relating to many people that I used to be close to. I'm expecting for people to be fascinated at first, but to lose interest quickly. I'm expecting for everyone to get tired of hearing about "In Korea...." I'm expecting to feel a sense of distance, because my life has diverged so drastically for such a long time. I'm expecting to be very critical of America, constantly comparing it to Korea. I'm expecting to suddenly start craving some of the dishes I swore I was tired of. I'm expecting to find home to be a pretty boring place after a few weeks.

All this on the word of others. I gonna try not to let expectations shape my actual experience. In fact, it's all going to be made much easier by that I won't be home for too long. About 3 weeks, then I go to Hawaii with Andrea for a week, then home for a few days, then off again on the 4 month backpacking trip in Asia. It's going to be a whirlwind, for sure.

Right now, I think the waiting is the hardest part.